do it scared

occasionally i come across the advice “do it scared” and “what’s the worst that could happen?” and “anxiety can’t kill you”. many times from strangers or people who did not care to know me

it was a real eye-opener the first time someone said it in a way that wasn’t condescending. they were genuinely interested in my struggles and offered it as advice that worked for them and something meaningful they wanted to share with me

i think the implication is that you’ll do the thing you’re scared of and you’ll find that everything turned out okay. you’ll learn that things can be scary but you can get through them and you’ll gain confidence, and it’ll get easier to do every time

i think about the stories that people have shared with me about the time that they were scared to go to a social event but ended up having a great time. or being nervous before a presentation at work but afterwards a colleague told them they did a great job

i’ve started doing things i’m scared of and it’s going wrong a lot. but in a strange way i’m still glad to have tried. it’s nice to collapse the myriad abstract ways something can wrong into one concrete reality. i can work with that. it’s helpful because there’s a lot i don’t know about myself

observing myself planning and doing and recovering from an event i can learn:

• the different ways anxiety can manifest in my body and mind
• what specific parts i feel anxious about (or if i’ve even correctly identified this as something i’m anxious about!)
• what my anxiety incorrectly predicted
  • were the circumstances different? did i do something differently?
• what my anxiety correctly predicted
  • what preceded and maybe contributed to those things
  • is this something i can learn to accept?

this is all very useful and working through this has been helping a lot and allowing me to slowly do more things

…and also i’m still really salty about how much harder and difficult this is compared to the cute stories i’ve been told

it’s a lot of work to be able to stay present enough to notice all the things that are going on. it’s a lot of work to remember it all and note it down. it’s a lot of work to analyse what went wrong and what went well. it’s a lot of work to handle the fallout of things going wrong. it’s a lot of work to put together a plan for what i can change for the next time. it’s a lot of work to learn all the of the things that would help me effectively do each of those steps

i’ll do it anyway, because i think it’s worth it. but given the amount of work that’s my call to make. and sometimes i’ll assess that i need a break sometimes. and sometimes i need to feel feelings about how hard i find the entire process, and all of the feelings about the circumstances that led me to have to do this in the first place.

“do it scared” but like. at a pace you can handle. and only if you think it’s worth it. and you’re allowed to take breaks about it